Just Admit the Mistake and Move On, Already

Judging from the fact that these “Easy-to-squeeze” bottles are still available for sale, I can only assume that not only are the people who designed them still working for the Heinz corporation, but they aren’t being hunted through swamps by packs of vicious hounds, as would happen in a just world.  “Now steady on, there, Williams,” some of you are no doubt saying, “that seems a bit harsh.”

First of all, stop talking like someone working for the British East India Company; you sound ridiculous.  Second, you’ve clearly never used one of these bottles.  The bottles are, I suppose, easy to squeeze, in the sense that a smallish rock is easy to squeeze, and at first the effect is much the same.  You squeeze harder and harder, with nothing happening, while your hamburger cowers under the impending onslaught.  Soon, as you have to shift position to really crank down on the sides of the bottle with both hands, you realize that no good can come of this, but what can you do?  Unscrew the cap and spoon ketchup out like a common peasant?  Finally, when the pressure on the bottle reaches about 205 PSI, you have finally overcome the powerful valve, and ketchup comes out of the bottle, about a cup and a half of it at 100 MPH.

It is horrible for ketchup, worse for mustard due to the fact that all the collateral damage is more likely to  stain everything within a few yards, and  just plain tragic for pickle relish.  Granted, any sort of squeeze bottle for pickle relish is a mug’s game, but for relish the stupid bottle doesn’t even manage the one thing it gets right for the other condiments – avoiding that dribble of separated water.  For some reason, the sight of greenish water soaking my hot dog bun inspires me to panic and makes me hoss down even harder on the sides of the bottle in an attempt to get some actual pickle bits to come out sooner, and that is a very bad thing.  I can sort of understand the motive behind trying to come up with a bottle that avoids some of the classic problems associated with condiment bottles, but after it becomes abundantly clear that the design is a tragic mistake, why does it remain on the market?  Did you make too many, Heinz, or is this sheer arrogance on your part?

~ by smwilliams on June 9, 2011.